I am Sorry

I just found out something that I never ever expected before.

The fact that depression can affect someone in a various and un-imaginable ways is truly horrifying.

Day, the most perfect woman (till now) that i know besides my mom, turned out to have acute depression.
She is very good at hiding it.
She is very good at supporting me.
And I never expect to found out in such a terrible way.
(I’m sorry Day, but I need to write this. You know me…)

I was openly said that I had Bipolar Disorder to anyone that I know. And I was tried to help others who are having the same problem as mine.
But there are other people, like Day, who are focusing on helping other people instead of openly said that she also suffered from depression.

She always act like nothing happen in her life.
She always support me like I was the one who are terrible with my disorder.
She always be the one who check on me first (how selfish I am, I know).
She never put a frown on her face anytime we meet.

And it makes me feel so stupid.

Right now, I’m writing this at the Hospital. Waiting for her to wake up.
Day was found unconscious in her apartment this afternoon.
Her roomates emailed me, and at that time, I bought the fastest ticket to get there.

Well, her roomates told me that this is not the first time. (and i never know about that)
She said, “She is the best in her job. It can be tough sometimes..”

I know. I know exactly how it feels.
And I know how depression can affect my mind when I can’t control my mood-swing.

Suicide seems to be the easiest way to end the pain.
But no.. it’s not the right way.

That’s what she always said to me…

No, i am not disappointed. I just feel sad because I can not do anything for her.

I will write again if I had time.
She is awake, and I need to talk to her right now.


Work & Bipolar

You must be very boring if I open this post with, “I haven’t write for so long…” or “It’s been forever since my last post,” even if that’s true. LOL

I won’t blame things like writer’s block or haven’t watch any movie, because of course it’s a lie.

For me, having trouble like ‘lack of sleep’ and ‘too much work to do’ is not even an appropriate things to mention anymore.
I don’t even have life.
I just got home and it’s empty as usual. So, I open this laptop, doing another work, and now feeling boring.

Being a person with bipolar and running your own company hand in hand is such a difficult thing to do.
Not even for a pro (like me). 😛
Sometimes I want to give up.
But I can’t.

Ah, well.. i will continue this post later.
I feel a bit sleepy right now.

IT’S OKAY….!!!!

Idk if this is worth to mention as a funny moment, but.. just keep reading okay?

So, first… I need to admit that I was a little drunk last night. My friend and I was a little bit drunk.
We’re about to leave this one place at 11 pm. It still early, but I really need to go home. My friend said he is going home too.
Then we leave that place together.
I don’t even remember why is he got into my car (he did bring his own car).
But yeah.. we’re leaving the parking lot, still laughing and tipsy.

I put the reverse gear and start hitting the gas.
Turn the wheel to the right, and then i hit the brakes.
I was paused a second, to take a short breath before going straight to leave the parking lot.

I didn’t see there was a pillar right in front of the car, so ya you know, i hit that pillar.
It sounds really loud. Like a big “bang”.
And that instance I am sober!

My friend run outside to check the car.
I can see his face clearly after he got back to the car. There’s a relief expression, and he said, “It’s okay…”
I doubt it, but ya… just let it be.
So I drove him back to his house.
But when we arrived at his place, I decided to check on my car.
Because… (on my defense), the “bang” sounds really loud!
Then, i check my car.

Gosh.. it looks horrible!

I asked my friend, which side he said ‘okay’ before?
My car looked so ugly. I even feel bad for it. I was little angry to him.
Then my friend give me an answer that makes me want to cry of laughter.

“IT’S OKAY….!!!! The PILLAR IS OKAY…. For Fvck sake!!” he get angrier than me.

So… the pillar is okay. The thing that he checked when he was jumped out from my car was the PILLAR.
It was a concrete pillars after all.
So ya.. it’s okay.

😀 😀 😀
I was LOL so hard!


My Review : Red Sparrow (2018)

Dear Jennifer Lawrence,

You’re amazing just the way you’re.
For once, I really hope you’re dancing by yourself. But knowing the fact that you’re using double, it doesn’t change anything.
You’re still great!
And because you’ve learned Russian accent and ballet only for this movie. I salute you.
(FYI, I love Russian accent.)



Yesterday, I watched this movie with Day (yes. it’s another date)
She seems enjoying this movie although the movie was very heavy.

From one point on the start, I think this movie has similarity with the story of Black Widow (Marvel).
And I’m not the only one…
Even the director, Francis Lawrence shared his feelings on the comparisons between Red Sparrow and Black Widow from the Marvel comic books, played in the MCU by Scarlett Johansson. He said, “There’s people who think it’s very similar to the Black Widow story. This is not pulled from Black Widow, this is pulled from Red Sparrow, you know, it’s written by a guy who was in the CIA. It’s like, his references are coming from a very, very different place from that. But there’ll always be that. People like to put things in boxes, and I think it’s a really unique film. This is a thriller, it’s not action, again it’s not gadgetry. It’s a hard-R. There’s violence, it’s a bit perverse, it’s suspenseful, a lot of intrigue. It’s a different kind of spy film.”

So, ya… this movie is a thriller movie, not an action.
You can see through out the movie, it has a very little fighting scene, and you’ll find a lot of bloods.
Which is pretty good for me.
Do not complain…! LOL

Back to it’s title, Red Sparrow.
It has been told that Sparrow is a code name for a trained Russian spy.
But Dominika it self gained the name Red Sparrow (for the title of this movie) only because she used the red dress while performing ballet in the beginning of the movie.

I don’t want to spoil the story here, but you need to know that the ending is very cool!!
And ya, honestly I didn’t expect that.
Knowing throughout the movie, Dominika’s character is very unpredictable.
The only thing we know is that she is a Prima Ballerina, and she lives with only her mother, who is very sick. And she loves her very much.
She’ll do anything for her mother.

Well, we can easily catch the situation that she hates her uncle very much but it still not helping to guess the ending.

Yeah, you should just watch it and bear with the sadistic R-rating movie.
And, don’t bring under-17 yo friend with you. LOL

Good luck!