So… Fvck my life?

For some maybe realize that the first time I’m using this blog, i was write my post in Indonesian language.
At first there is a language barrier between me and people around me.
I thought if I use it on daily basis i will be better.
Sure i made improvement.
I’m getting better and better, till on a point that i don’t care anymore.

I’m back to my usual self (because Indonesian language is not my first language at all).
I don’t care what people say about me (because where am i right now is a problem for them).
And I just do whatever i want.

I still had American flag on my room.
Still doing Kyudo as my regular exercise.
Eating rice and bread.

I don’t have nationality.
I don’t seek for one.
I don’t where am I belong to. And that’s okay.

I don’t care at all.

And what the hell am i doing writing stuff like this?

I don’t even understand.

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I’m ALIVE

Hi.. It’s been a while..
I’m updating this blog just to make sure you know that i’m alive.

— And for that reason only.

 


Untitled #2

Would you forgive me if I disappear one day without saying good bye?


Another Depression Attack

I can’t properly explain what I feel right now. But I think my mind is really unstable. And idk why.

It’s not like my usual depression. Its way more complicated and devastated. Fvck.. why is it so hard to explain it?! I don’t feel over-worrying or anxious. Didn’t want to sleep at all. Nor eat anything. 

But there is something that i had noticed lately. 

I thought about suicide unconsciously. I’m laughing over thinking about which way better to ended my life. or something like that. I never been like this ever on my life. Is this mean I’m crazier? Fvck me.. fvck my mind.

This morning my mind goes blank and Christ said I was on the washing room, holding a bottle of bleach for clothes for awhile, twisting the bottle in my hand for a couple minutes until he said he asked me what the hell am I doing and I answer him with, “I just want to know…” but honestly, I don’t even remember if I really did that. I don’t know what am I doing at that time. Nor I know what the hell that i need a bottle of bleach for clothes. 

And this evening when I drived home. In the middle of highway, I was thinking about which way better to end my life on my mind. I was thinking about driving my car as fast as it can and let it crush and that’s it. I was laughing all the way thinking all that through. I’m not actually know that I’m laughing, but as I’m going to hit the gas, there was an incoming call from Day. I answer that call, laughing out loud till She yelled “what the fvck” to my ear. she even asked me if i was drunk. She asked me where the hell I am. She said she already called me more than five times before I actually picked it up. But you know… I never hear any ring or anything. 

I was scared and deciding to meet Day, not only because she need my help, but because I need her too. 

I don’t want to be alone tonight.

I think I really am going crazy..