Category Archives: Infinity Talk

I am Sorry

I just found out something that I never ever expected before.

The fact that depression can affect someone in a various and un-imaginable ways is truly horrifying.

Day, the most perfect woman (till now) that i know besides my mom, turned out to have acute depression.
She is very good at hiding it.
She is very good at supporting me.
And I never expect to found out in such a terrible way.
(I’m sorry Day, but I need to write this. You know me…)

I was openly said that I had Bipolar Disorder to anyone that I know. And I was tried to help others who are having the same problem as mine.
But there are other people, like Day, who are focusing on helping other people instead of openly said that she also suffered from depression.

She always act like nothing happen in her life.
She always support me like I was the one who are terrible with my disorder.
She always be the one who check on me first (how selfish I am, I know).
She never put a frown on her face anytime we meet.

And it makes me feel so stupid.

Right now, I’m writing this at the Hospital. Waiting for her to wake up.
Day was found unconscious in her apartment this afternoon.
Her roomates emailed me, and at that time, I bought the fastest ticket to get there.

Well, her roomates told me that this is not the first time. (and i never know about that)
She said, “She is the best in her job. It can be tough sometimes..”

I know. I know exactly how it feels.
And I know how depression can affect my mind when I can’t control my mood-swing.

Suicide seems to be the easiest way to end the pain.
But no.. it’s not the right way.

That’s what she always said to me…

No, i am not disappointed. I just feel sad because I can not do anything for her.

I will write again if I had time.
She is awake, and I need to talk to her right now.


Work & Bipolar

You must be very boring if I open this post with, “I haven’t write for so long…” or “It’s been forever since my last post,” even if that’s true. LOL

I won’t blame things like writer’s block or haven’t watch any movie, because of course it’s a lie.

For me, having trouble like ‘lack of sleep’ and ‘too much work to do’ is not even an appropriate things to mention anymore.
I don’t even have life.
I just got home and it’s empty as usual. So, I open this laptop, doing another work, and now feeling boring.

Being a person with bipolar and running your own company hand in hand is such a difficult thing to do.
Not even for a pro (like me). 😛
Sometimes I want to give up.
But I can’t.

Ah, well.. i will continue this post later.
I feel a bit sleepy right now.

How to be a Happy Person with Bipolar Disoder

It’s been forever since the last time I post something in here.
Maybe some of you (my fellow readers) thought that I’m already dead. LOL
But no. I’m perfectly fine, and now in a very good mood.
It’s just that I’m busy with my work and had no time at all for doing anything else.

Recently, i read some articles that mentioned Bipolar disorder as a reason why people making a fuss in a public place.
or… another like a reason to kill, and etc.

Other people is mentioned to have bipolar disorder and that’s why, after a recent incident, they went missing.

Yes, mood swing is dangerous if it can’t be controlled.
Yes, depression is either the cause and / or can be the result.
Yes, person with bipolar having a hard time to make people around us understand with what we feel at the time.

And that’s the reason we need extra care and people who are extra patient to handle us. To be with us all the time.
Because if you leave us alone with our mind, it’ll be very scary..

When I’m in a normal mode, i always get scared with my own mind.
Scared because I do not know when it will turn against me.
Or.. worse, i’ll become a crazy person and not just a person with bipolar.

Life can be worse when you can’t even control your mind.

But, although it happens a lot, i always had friends that i can count on.
I’m not afraid anymore.

For anyone who might have or already have bipolar disorder, seek help!
Surround yourself with people who willing to understand and wants to help.
Be happy all the time.
Learn about yourself.
The better you know about yourself, the easier you’ll find what makes you comfortable.
Make sure you know what’s your mind’s craving.
Because everyone are different. We’re having a different way to fight bipolar disorder.
Speak out more. Talk about what’s in your mind.
Don’t let depression makes you suffer.

Love your self and let other loves you.


So… Fvck my life?

For some maybe realize that the first time I’m using this blog, i was write my post in Indonesian language.
At first there is a language barrier between me and people around me.
I thought if I use it on daily basis i will be better.
Sure i made improvement.
I’m getting better and better, till on a point that i don’t care anymore.

I’m back to my usual self (because Indonesian language is not my first language at all).
I don’t care what people say about me (because where am i right now is a problem for them).
And I just do whatever i want.

I still had American flag on my room.
Still doing Kyudo as my regular exercise.
Eating rice and bread.

I don’t have nationality.
I don’t seek for one.
I don’t where am I belong to. And that’s okay.

I don’t care at all.

And what the hell am i doing writing stuff like this?

I don’t even understand.